DAY ONE NEWS
Winter Camp IX - 1985


THE BEAST KILLS CAG

Members attending the Downriver Winter Camp IX wore horrified last night at the fatal attack of a CAG on Amikas Towalla. Lucifer, the Beast being an innocent bystander, captured this most evil CAG and crushed it with several fatal blows to its decaying flesh.

The members were attending a special ceremony at the highest point at D-A Scout Ranch (elev. 1150 ft.) when this apparent mishap occurred. Amikas Towalla was in the process of inducting some new brothers into the Mi-Gi-Si O-Paw-Gan Lodge when the attack transpired. Amikas Towalla had just finished giving the prospective members the obligation when the CAG attacked with a gun.

A single gunshot was fired into the head of Amikas Towalla killing him instantly. Amikas Towalla jerked forward with a dislocated head before he fell dead to the ground.

The Beast had just finished taking the obligation with the rest of the group and realized that this new obligation gave him some responsibility to save the lodge. When the CAG ran away in his escape attempt, the Beast proceeded with his successful capture. The wretched CAG was drug forward and crushed by the Beast. A few sharp thrusts of an axe into the chest were sufficient to dislocate the cold heart of the CAG. A most joyous chorus interluded the burning of this CAG heart.

The Mi-Gi-Si O-Paw-Gan Lodge lives again. So be it.

Funeral services for the CAG will be held later in the week.

PAR 162 COURSE COMPLETED

Two teams of die-hard Winter Camp golfers competed in a perpetual sand trap golf match at D-A yesterday. The pro team under the leadership of Brent Musolf was the only group successful in completing the difficult course.

The teams teed-off from the Beaver Creek skills building to take their initial drives into the 14 inch deep snow. The Musolf team started with a solid 200 yd chip by the Beast. The other team under Eddie Rose leadership struggled with 100 ft shank by John Howey.

The course proved to be a challenge to all as well as a haven for lost balls. This proved too much for these Rosettes as lost balls eventually meant their elimination for the tournament after 51 strokes.

The Musolf team through its skilled yet conservative play eventually brought the ball to the green where a five foot put by Matt Mittino ended play for a victory score of 80, which was half par.

Members of the victorious team included Brent Musolf, The Beast, Mark Bollman, Jeff Rand, Matt Mittino, Doug Seman, Dave Milon, Jeff Hinton, Joe McEachren, and Old Man Steven Paz Pejuan.

DEATH NOTICE

AMIKAS TOWALLA- Aged 9 years died on December 27 for fourth time from a fatal gun shot wound by the CAG. No funeral services will be held, since by the deceased request death to the CAG would be the most fitting memorial.

CAG- Aged 38 years died on December 27 from a fatal attack by the beast. No mourners have been found. Instead of a memorial service, a victory celebration will be held with his cremation on a funeral pyre at 7:00 pm on December 30, 1985 in Beaver Creek.

WEATHER FORECAST

Weather will continue to be very cold today, but mostly sunny. Highs will be in the teens. Mostly clear and cold tonight with lows in the single digits. Becoming warmer tomorrow with highs in the mid to upper twenties.

HIGH LOW
YESTERDAY 20 9
NORMAL 34 20
RECORD 62 -12
PRECIPITATION: .42 inch
MONTH TOTAL: 2.08 inch
YEAR TOTAL: 40.13 inch

GASTRONOMIC DELIGHTS

Three successful meals were held yesterday to provide Winter Camp participants with 3466 calories thus meeting their energy needs for the day.

Members enjoyed the normal fare of chicken noodle soup during the Oakes' Lunch. All thoroughly engaged in this traditional Oakes' repast.

During the Synchronized Supper Winter Campers learned of Matt Mittino's affection for peas and carrots as forks were quite often synchronized in this direction.

The Twister Snack was a real treat, as very well done cookies were passed around the table. Participants learned to stand on one foot while drinking pop with heads erect.

MISSING PERSONS

Security Director John Howey reports the sudden disappearance of Mister Roger Dale Horn from the dinner table last night. Anyone knowing the whereabouts of this individual should keep his mouth shut.

SAYING FOR THE DAY

YOU are what you eat. Think of what you'll be after Winter Camp. Last year the Beast ate a can of dog food and some testicles.

WINTER CAMP TRIVIA

During the third Winter Camp, the heaviest human ever to attend the event was known to make two daily trips to town for additional food. He was known to have eaten a personal sheet cake in a sitting, heavily frosted, of course.

The first time a casino night was held, Mark Bollman designed a complicated poker chip value system that was unintelligible to the normal participants.

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